Kaguya Throws a Party

Kaguya turned over on her futon and watched as two flies buzzed listlessly around each other near the ceiling. She blew a lock of hair from her face, raised her arms as if to sit up, and then let them flop back down again.

She heard a faint, polite knock at her bedroom door. Three crisp, distinct knocks, as always. Eirin. Kaguya sighed.

“Whaaat,” she groaned.

Eirin slid the door open. “Sorry to bother you, Princess, but I thought maybe you were hungry, and would like to have breakfast on the veranda. It's a gorgeous day.”

“But I'm sooo tiiired,” Kaguya groaned again.

“It's the middle of the afternoon.”

Kaguya sat up, leaning on her elbows, and looked at Eirin pleadingly. “Eirin, I'm bored. No one ever comes by. Why doesn't anything ever happen around here?”

“Well, we could go for a walk in the forest,” Eirin suggested.

“Lame.”

“We could go to the human's village and see if there's anything interesting at Rinnosuke's shop.”

“Uh … no. Last time we went there the most 'interesting' thing he had was this ridiculous black box that was supposed to be a game but didn't even do anything.”

“Well, actually, that's because-”

“I mean what is that? Oh, hey, here you go,” Kaguya stammered, imitating a man's voice, “It's a totally worthless stupid black box that doesn't do anything. It's a game! Look at me, I'm an idiot! Thuh thuh thuh thuh thuh thuh thuh. Ugh. No. No shopping.”

“OK,” Eirin paused, thinking, “Well, I've been working in the lab and made this potion you might-”

“What's it do?”

“It makes everything taste like strawberries!”

Kaguya looked at her a moment, then cocked her head. “Eirin, I've been alive for thousands of years. Do you really think that's the kind of thing that would make me jump for joy? Strawberry-flavored everything? Really? What are you going to offer me next, a shiny new mirror?” Kaguya pretended to hold a hand mirror up to her face. “Oh my, what's this? Look at the pretty girl! She do what I do!” Kaguya pretended to turn the mirror over, and gasped in surprise. “Oh no! Where the pretty girl go?” She then pretended to turn the mirror back around, and chuckled giddily. “There she is! There the pretty girl! Huh huh huh huh!” Kaguya flopped back down on the bed. Eirin bowed her head, blushing with shame.

“I'm sorry, Eirin,” Kaguya mumbled. “I guess I'm just lonely.”

Eirin cleared her throat. “Well, you were saying no one ever comes here. Why not … throw a party?”

Kaguya paused, then sat up quickly. “Eirin. That's … that's brilliant! Yes!” Kaguya sprang to her feet. “We'll throw a party – no. We'll throw a festival. The biggest, grandest festival ever! Yee – I'm so excited.”

Eirin beamed. It was so nice to see Kaguya inspired. Already she was taking that commanding, imperious pose Eirin remembered from the old days.

“Let's go, Eirin. No time for breakfast. We have to get organized.”

“Yes, Princess.” Eirin bowed formally. “What are your orders?”

“First,” Kaguya said, thinking out loud, “We will need to clear out a large swath of the forest for our guests.”

“Yes, Princess.”

“Then, we'll need chefs and musicians. Send envoys through Gensokyo to find the best of the best.”

“Yes, Princess.”

“And we'll also need ...” Kaguya paused in thought, tapping her finger on her lips, “We will need to gather the rabbits to build a replica of Mount Youkai.”

“Yes, Pr-”

“Made entirely of bamboo. Standing five times the height of Eientei. And hollow inside. But with … with a system of scaffolds and platforms all around it. For launching the fireworks!” Kaguya's eyes shone. “And- and when the fireworks explode, little candies float down from them. And the candies will be shaped like me.”

Eirin began to get a sinking feeling in her stomach.

“And then,” Kaguya continued, “I will make my entrance on the back of a giant golden owl. And it will sing. And flakes of pure silver will shoot out of its eyes as I wave to people. Oh, Eirin,” Kaguya smiled at Eirin warmly, “This was such a good idea.”

“Y-Yes, Princess.”

“And I'm just getting started! You know me – once my mind gets working, there's no limit to what I can dream up.”

“Indeed, Princess.” Some days, moving back to the moon didn't seem like such a bad idea.

2.

A few weeks later, Eirin was slumped against a tall stalk of bamboo, far enough away from the worksite to remain unseen. Maybe she got could a few moments' rest before being summoned again.

This will soon be over, she reminded herself. The Youkai Mountain replica was almost complete. Acres of forest had been cleared, the chefs were planning a banquet menu, the musicians were composing and practicing. It was amazing what an army of moon rabbits could do.

But it seemed Kaguya was still not satisfied. As one project neared completion, she'd come up with something else to create. It didn't matter if it was a giant bas relief mural depicting Kaguya's escape from the Lunarians, or a candy-filled paper effigy of Mokou that the guests could beat with sticks, or that damned golden owl – nothing was good enough. Maybe everything was actually quite far from completion. No matter how excited she'd been about the festival initially, Kaguya now seemed more stressed with each day, and not happy at all.

Eirin understood why, of course. Kaguya liked to give orders, sure, and she hadn't had a party in a long time, so she wanted everything to be perfect. But neither of these were the real reason. The reality was: Kaguya was still bored. And only one thing could hope to relieve that boredom. Eirin sighed.

Just then, Aya swooped down from the bamboo tops, dropping down in front of Eirin with an excited smile.

“Why hello there, Miss Yagokoro!” Aya chirped happily. “And how are-”

Eirin held up her hand. “Not now, tengu. Seriously. I've had maybe two hours of sleep a night for the past three weeks now. I'm exhausted. Just leave me alone.”

Aya chuckled. “Working overtime, are you? Hm.” She took out her notebook, pulling a pen out from under her hat. “So what's Kaguya up to? I was just passing by and couldn't help noticing a lot of busy little bunnies hard at work. Heh. So what is it, hm?” Aya smiled, leaning in closer, pointing her pen at Eirin. “You know I'm not leaving here without a quote.”

Eirin's first impulse was to snatch the pen from Aya's hand and snap it in two. But then she realized Aya could be useful in getting Kaguya what she really wanted.

“Alright,” said Eirin. “I'll tell you. But you have to promise not to tell anyone. Got it?”

Aya looked shocked. “What? Of course, Eirin. Contrary to popular opinion, I can keep a secret.”

“That article on Cirno's new hobby would indicate otherwise,” Eirin said dryly.

Aya waved her hand dismissively. “Cirno OK'd that piece. She just had Interview Regret. Come on, Eirin. Don't insult me. Let's hear it.”

“Alright,” Eirin smirked. “I'll tell you.”

3.

“So then I said to Winston Churchill,” Remilia continued to Sakuya as she sat on the veranda, “Well, sir, that may very well be, but at least I'm not a fat, sloppy drunk.”

“Ouch,” grinned Sakuya. “You sure put him in his place.”

“That I did, that I did. Say, what's for tea, anyway?”

“Well, my lady, I was thinking we-”

Aya flew up from behind the rail of the veranda, landing gingerly beside the table.

“Well, hello there, Miss Scarlet!” Aya chirped happily. “And how are-”

In the next moment, Sakuya was right in front of Aya, one hand gripping the front of her blouse, the other holding a knife to her throat.

“Whoah, hey now,” chuckled Aya, smirking, “Careful there. I just washed this shirt.”

“Sakuya, relax,” sighed Remilia. “The tengu isn't a threat. And I'm sure she has a very good reason for dropping by unannounced. Don't you, Aya?”

“I do, as a matter of fact,” Aya replied as Sakuya reluctantly unhanded her, “and it concerns all of us.”

Remilia looked at her, nonplussed. “Yes?”

“You might have noticed some strange goings-ons around the Bamboo Forest,” Aya began, conspiratorially, “and you may have been wondering what mysterious turn of events are afoot.”

“Not really,” Remilia shrugged.

“Ah, that's right.” Sakuya spoke up, “I'm sorry, my lady, but I forgot to tell you: we received a message this morning that Lady Kaguya is planning a festival, the date of which will be announced soon. We are all invited.”

“Splendid,” grinned Remilia.

“A festival?” said Aya. “Is that what they told you?”

“What do you mean?” snapped Sakuya. “Stop being coy and just spit it out.”

“Very well.” Aya turned to Remilia. “Miss Scarlet, I think you ought to know that a source very close to Lady Kaguya told me personally that she's planning to attack Gensokyo.”

Sakuya looked surprised, but Remilia regarded Aya steadily. No one said a word for a few beats.

“That is a very serious accusation, Aya,” said Remilia at last. “I assume you have more proof than just the word of one person.”

“I do,” winked Aya. She reached into her pocket, and took out several photographs, carefully laying them side by side on the table in front of Remilia. Sakuya and Remilia studied them.

“What am I looking at here?” Remilia said at last. “I can tell it's the Bamboo Forest, and that house down there is Eientei, but what's that?”

“That,” said Aya, pointing to the aerial shot of the bamboo replica of Youkai Mountain, “is a mobile battle fortress. That's why they're cutting down all the bamboo – they're clearing a path for that thing to come rolling in and start wreaking havoc.”

Remilia nodded, unfazed. “I see. And you're telling me this because?”

Aya let out a short, incredulous laugh. “Because? Because you live in Gensokyo, of course. And because you and your mansion will very likely be targets.”

“Oh, I see,” Remilia folded her arms across her chest, leaning back, smiling, “And it wouldn't have anything to do with you being desperate for a hot story, replete with exclusive photos?”

Aya clucked her tongue impatiently. “You know what? Don't believe me. I'm tired of you people doubting my credibility.”

“I'm sorry, you people?” Sakuya said angrily. “What's that supposed to mean?”

“I just meant-”

“What, are we some kind of primitive howler monkeys to you? Is that it? Just because we can't zip around in the sky like a freak and don't have creepy powerful long distance vision? Hm?”

“Sakuya, look, I-”

“I can stop time, you know! I can stop time. I'd like to see a howler monkey stop time.”

“I'm sure a howler monkey couldn't stop time.”

“Damn right he couldn't.”

Aya sighed. “Alright, I'm gone. You two don't have to believe me. You'll see soon enough. Later.” And with that, Aya flew off into the sky.

Sakuya shook her head. “You believe that? Who does she think she's-”

“I believe her,” said Remilia, looking up at Sakuya, almost comfortingly. “I appreciate your concern, but I could tell she was telling the truth. Or that she believed she was.”

“Are you serious?” Sakuya considered this. “Do you really think Lady Kaguya is planning to attack us?”

“Maybe,” shrugged Remilia. “Maybe not.” She eyed the photographs on the table, thinking it over. “Tell you what: assemble the maids. The entire staff. Refresh their combat training and tell them we're going to the Bamboo Forest.”

Sakuya appeared startled, but bowed. “Yes, my lady.”

“We'll see if there's any truth to this, one way or the other. Either Kaguya's bunnies will be ready for a battle, or they won't. Regardless,” Remilia smiled wryly, “you weren't planning on doing anything special tonight anyway, were you?”

4.

Kaguya slammed her fist down on the table in frustration.

“You people are idiots!” she screamed at the musicians. “You call that festive? It sounds like a funeral dirge. I've heard dying cows who sounded more cheerful than that.”

“Princess,” Eirin interjected. “perhaps this would be a good time to take a break. Don't you think?”

Kaguya closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Yes,” she said at last. “Let's take a breath. You musicians … I don't know, go out and ask the night sparrow to teach you how to sing or something.” The musicians filed out dejectedly.

Kaguya held her face in her hands. Her hair was straggled, she had bags under her eyes, and her skin had gone from fair to pale. Eirin couldn't remember having seen her eat or sleep since the festival planning started.

“Princess,” Eirin began gently, “you know, you don't have to go through with this. It doesn't have to be a festival per se. It could be just a banquet.”

Kaguya lifted her face from her hands and looked up at Eirin. “What?” she asked, a hurt look on her face, “You don't think I can do this, do you?”

“No, no, of course I think you can organize a festival. It's just- it's just that you don't seem very … happy.”

“Happy? I'm happy! See?” Kaguya flapped her hands around her head frantically. “Leedle-leedle-leedle-leedle-leedle-leedle! Happy happy princess!”

“Ahem.”

Eirin and Kaguya turned towards the door. Reisen stood there, waiting to be acknowledged.

“I'm sorry to interrupt … whatever that was,” Reisen said, “but we've received some troubling reports from some of the moon rabbits.”

“Oh, really?” Kaguya sighed. “What is it this time? And don't tell me it's can't train the kittens to dance on their hind legs, because I don't even want to hear that again.”

“No, Princess, it's … well, it would appear an army of maids from Scarlet Devil Mansion are headed this way.”

Eirin's heart skipped a beat. Good girl, Aya, she thought.

Kaguya, blinked, unmoving. “I beg your pardon?” she asked quietly.

“A single column, but they appear battle-ready. They should reach us in less than an hour.” Reisen paused. “Your orders, Princess?”

Kaguya clenched her fists and drew a long, deep breath. “That conniving ...” she hissed “scheming, smug, jealous little posh brat. She's going to try and ruin my festival?” Kaguya chuckled dryly, standing up. “Oh ho, no. My orders? Tell each and every moon rabbit to stop whatever they're doing, arm up, and await orders.”

“Yes, Princess.”

“I will watch the battle. You will be my envoy to the squad commanders. I will control squad movements from my position, through you. Is that understood?”

“Yes, Princess.”

“Then go.”

Reisen left at once. Eirin studied Kaguya. She looked angry, of course, but there was a certain calm in her eyes. All the same, Eirin wondered for a moment if her hunch about what Kaguya really needed had been off base.

But those doubts were quickly assuaged once she saw Kaguya in action. From her vantage point atop the bamboo Youkai Mountain, Kaguya had the distinct advantage of being able to view both Remilia's advancing maids and her own columns of moon rabbits, judging their positions by the movements of the bamboo tops. Eirin stood beside Kaguya, watching with unconcealed pride as Kaguya gave her orders to Reisen, who moved with lightning speed between Kaguya and the troops. Kaguya spoke evenly and comfortably as she directed the positions of the columns, arranging them more like an artist with her paints than a military commander. For the first time in weeks, Kaguya was starting to look happy.

At last all the moon rabbits were in position. Kaguya gave her final orders:

“Send in six columns to charge them from behind. Once the maids have all turned their attention towards the rear, send in the rest of the columns to attack them from the other side. Then make all the columns encircle them. Be fast, be brutal. Leave no apron unsoiled.”

With that, Reisen bowed, and was off. Kaguya leaned back against the bamboo frame, smiled, and sighed. “And now,” she said, “let's enjoy watching the little brat get a spanking.”

And a spanking it was. After an initial flurry of shouting and thrashing of bamboo, the maids were very quickly routed. Within minutes, it was clear the battled belonged to Kaguya. It wasn't long before she could hear the cheering of the moon rabbits from where she stood.

“Well then,” she said to Eirin, “time for me to get down there and gloat. And find out what the hell that brat was thinking.”

5.

In the Bamboo Forest, the maids were split up into groups, forced to sit on the ground, each group heavily guarded by moon rabbits. Remilia and Sakuya, positioned safely far behind their troops, watched, dismayed.

“Well this is embarrassing,” sighed Remilia. “Perhaps our maids should've been better prepared.”

“Perhaps, my lady,” Sakuya concurred. “I do recall suggesting that mops and rolling pins were probably not ideal weapons.”

“Hmph,” Remilia pouted. “Anything can be a weapon if you have enough willpower. Lazy maids. Darn it.” She stomped her foot. “I wanted to win!”

“But my lady,” Sakuya reassured her, “Your objective wasn't to win; it was to see if Lady Kaguya was indeed preparing for battle. And look, you achieved that objective.”

“Unfortunately,” Remilia mumbled. “It would seem Lady Kaguya is planning an attack after all.”

“And how on earth did you get that idea?” Remilia and Sakuya turned around to see Kaguya standing there.

“Well,” Remilia smiled. “I suppose you've come to gloat.”

“In part,” smiled Kaguya, “So let me get that part out of the way now.” Her smile broadened, she took a deep breath, and pointed her finger at Remilia. “Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You lost! I win! Win win win! Loser! Loooooooser! Ha ha ha! Ah ...” she sighed happily, “That felt good.”

Remilia and Sakuya glared at her.

“Don't think this is over,” Sakuya hissed. “If you think it's going to be this easy to take on all of Gensokyo, you're in for-”

“Shut it, maid.” Kaguya snapped, and turned to Remilia. “Come now. You might be a petulant child, but you're not insane. What possessed you to embark on such a foolish campaign?”

Remilia smirked. “This might surprise you, but I have eyes and ears everywhere. We heard all about your little plan of conquest.”

“Conquest? What are you talking about?”

Remilia studied Kaguya steadily for a few beats. “Your plan to wage war on Gensokyo, of course.”

Kaguya stifled a laugh. “My- what? Oh no, you're serious, aren't you?” Kaguya then let the laughter escape. Deep, hearty laughter. She crossed her arms across her stomach and bent forward as she laughed. Tears appeared in her eyes. “This just keeps getting better!” she panted, catching her breath. “Oh my, I may have wet my underclothes a little.” Kaguya wiped her eyes. “Alright, alright. Let me see if I have this right: you somehow got the idea that I was planning to attack Gensokyo – for whatever reason – so you decided to try and thwart me with … maids? Armed with floor brushes?” Kaguya chuckled. “Oh, Remilia. I think the maid's been putting a little something extra in your tea.”

Remilia smiled. “I guess it can't be helped. My mistake. But since we clearly pose no threat to you, I assume we can just go home?”

Kaguya considered this. “This little stunt of yours was pretty funny. Hm. You know what? Sure. Why not? You're even still welcome to the festival. Just leave the street cleaning crew at home, will you?” Kaguya laughed softly as she walked past Remilia, patting her on the head. “Don't ever change, you. You're adorable.”

Remilia and Sakuya both fumed at the condescension, but said nothing. They turned, watching Kaguya walk away, shouting the order to the moon rabbits to release their prisoners.

“So what do you think?” asked Sakuya.

“I think our plan to see what Kaguya was up to was indeed a success.” Remilia sighed. “She's not planning to attack Gensokyo. I could see it in her eyes. And her laughter.”

“So the tengu did lie to us,” Sakuya fumed.

“No,” corrected Remilia. “She was misinformed. Someone intentionally convinced Aya of a mistruth.”

Sakuya twisted her brow. “Why?”

“I don't know,” smiled Remilia, “but I'd hate to be the tengu once Kaguya gets her hands on her.”

6.

Kaguya returned to Eientei among throngs of cheering moon rabbits. Eirin stood in the courtyard and watched as she approached. Kaguya practically glowed with delight. Her eyes shone, her smile was broad, and her steps were light. She's back, Eirin thought. She's happy.

Eirin walked to Kaguya, smiling. “I take it you were victorious.”

Kaguya nodded, “I paddled her little bottom and sent her to her room without dessert.” She sighed contentedly. “Ah, I needed that.”

Aya flew down from the sky then, her notebook and pen already out, and rushed up to Eirin and Kaguya. “I saw the whole thing – that was amazing! I had to hide pretty well to get some decent photographs, but I managed to get some good shots.” She turned to Kaguya. “So, tell me, Princess – how does it feel to have defeated the Scarlet Devil Army?”

Kaguya raised an eyebrow. “Funny thing about that: it seems Remilia was under the impression that I planned to attack Gensokyo. I wonder where she would've gotten an idea like that?”

“Ah-” Aya froze, then turned to Eirin.

“Hm,” said Eirin, turning to Aya. “That is very strange. How indeed would Remilia ever hear that awful rumor?”

Aya realized she was trapped. Eirin had set her up, but then again, Aya had broken her promise not to tell anyone. Now what?

Aya laughed nervously. “No idea!”

“You know what I think?” Kaguya began. “I think you-”

“We're going to have a festival,” Eirin cut in. “How'd you like to cover it? It's going to be big.” Eirin kept her gaze steady on Aya's. “It's the least I could do.”

Aya nodded, not quite understanding but happy to dodge a bullet. “Ah- Of course!”

Kaguya looked at Eirin sideways. “Yes, very good,” said Kaguya impatiently. “Now get along, tengu, before you get uninvited.”

“Yes, Princess. Don't you worry – a festival at Eientei is definitely front page material. It's been ages, hasn't it? Well, heh, anyway, goodbye!” Aya flew off.

Kaguya shook her head and turned back to Eientei, walking to the entrance. Eirin walked with her.

“You let the tengu off easy,” Kaguya remarked. “You really are too soft-hearted.”

Eirin shrugged. “Aya's a good girl. She's just a little misguided.”

“I suppose.”

“So then,” said Eirin, opening the door for Kaguya, “I guess it's back to festival planning.”

Kaguya said nothing for a few moments as she walked through the door, but then she stopped. “Forget it.”

“Excuse me, Princess?”

“Let's just have a regular banquet. Lots of people, lots of food and drink, good music, and warm company. Nothing fancy. Inform the rabbits. Have that bamboo monstrosity disassembled.”

Eirin smiled. “Of course, Princess.”

“But keep the owl,” said Kaguya, walking on. “I like him.”

(Image: Pixiv)